


Phoenix

by Lyn_x



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Age Difference, Childhood Trauma, Healing, Hope, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:27:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22277866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyn_x/pseuds/Lyn_x
Summary: Ash is not a victim anymore. Everyone moved mountains to help Ash get himself there.
Relationships: Max Lobo & Ash Lynx
Comments: 6
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is no sexual content but there will be and it will not be suitable for everyone. I'll edit tags and rating accordingly. Please be wary.

He felt so drained as he went under his bed covers and was grateful to find that his lids soon felt heavy with sleep. He dared to look at his alarm clock, fully expecting to be disappointed. 10:59pm it read in bright green digits. " Finally" the tired journalist sighed as he readily allowed his mind to slip under. His body finally succumbing to exhaustion.

It's been months since Max Lobo was able to sleep at a decent hour. His life had yet to settle down.  
Three years later, he was still dealing with the whole Dino fiasco. It has been one legal battle after another. The dead son-of-a-bitch was still putting up a fight, straight from the pits of Hell. Lobo spent his days on phone calls, being interviewed and in courtrooms, it really left room for little else. He was fortunate that Jessica was very understanding to say the least and their relationship is better than it's been in years but their marriage didn't survive the second time around either.  
He wasn't alone though. Even after Charlie warned them that it wouldn't just be Golzine they'd be up against but everyone who fell with the Corsica neither Eiji or Ibe were backing down and frankly he never intended to anyway.  
He felt he still owed it to Griffin but more importantly to Ash.  
Max couldn't even begin to count how many sleepless nights he stayed up rotting away from guilt, recounting all his regrets. The guilt gnawed at his soul just as it did with Griff except this time it hurt so much more than before. He had a bond with Ash so much deeper than he ever had a chance to build with Griff yet, again, he was useless in the end.  
He should have known better. He was the adult and no ignorant one at that. After the war, he went into treatment himself goddamn it! He should have seen the signs but just like every other adult in Ash's youth he failed him. Despite knowing better, he was still taken in by the boy's impenetrable demeanor. Ash may have certainly been smarter than him but that didn't change the fact that he was still a teenage boy who was suffering from serious traumas.  
He'll never forget that forsaken day when he received a phone call from the hospital, asking for the second time if he was acquainted with an Aslan but under the surname Golzine now. He immediately dropped everything and rushed to the hospital Ash was being kept at. This miserable twisting pain in his chest had him sick to his stomach. Max barely managed the shock the first time. He definitely wasn't sure his heart could survive a second especially because the chances of it being some unfortunate doppelganger again were slim to none.  
He charged into the ER like a mad man but made it in time to still find Ash barely conscious as he was put under. He looked so fragile. Not even when the youth was in the midst of battling a severe eating disorder did he look as vulnerable he did now on that operating table.  
Charlie was there waiting for him. The incident occurred outside of the New York City Library. Ash had been stabbed multiple times in the lower abdomen by a revival gang member. It was noted that not a single puncture wound was lethal.  
Max almost raged at that. He confronted Ash's assigned nursing staff demanding to know why the teen was in such critical condition if that were true.  
The response he received is what still haunts him to this very day.  
They explained that the boy had been picked up from inside the library and that it was evident that after the assault Ash had willingly walked back into the building but instead of seeking help the injured youth took a seat and was letting himself internally bleed to death.  
Max wouldn't have it. He couldn't believe the bullshit they were trying to give him. Ash is a survivor. He wouldn't let himself just die like that. Ash knew he had people that care about him, who would happily help him heal. How dare they continue to drag him like that.

A little over a month later Ash woke from his coma.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They always say that to truly heal you have to first accept you have been hurt but they never warn you that it only gets harder from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has talk of PTSD, a major panic attack and vague mentions of suicidal thoughts and past trauma.  
> Im still learning and haven't figured out how to put it all together but i really want to continue so I'm thinking about writing out each chapter as isolated moments, memories, experiences, all steps towards Ashs recovery. There will be relapses too because that's recovery as well.

"They're not lying." He said matter of factly. Even after everything the boy still tried to put on the lone wolf act.

"W-What?" The journalist asked in disbelief.

"Is your hearing going old man?"

"A-Ash how can you...After everything y-"

"I'm done old man! I'm just done. Dino is finally dead!" The blonde snapped. He turned his head to face out the window. "Griff...Skipper...Shorter…are dead. It's over though. I-"

"Um good morning Ash."

Ash snapped his head in the direction of voice that interrupted him. He didn't need to turn to know who it was though, he could instantly recognize it anywhere but Ash didn't want to believe.  
Indeed,Eiji was hesitantly standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to come sooner with Max I-" the black haired youth began.

Ash made quick inventory of him. He was relieved to find that despite the dark bags under his eyes the young Japanese man looked well, stockier than Ash remembered but the stronger build was most likely due to making a full recovery and now living a proper, safer, lifestyle. He also looked relieved to see him as well but there was something else in his eyes. The way Eiji was looking at him was a look Ash never wanted directed at him. One of pity.

He steeled himself. "Get out."

Eiji just stared at him.

"Ash, c'mon now." Max tried to intervene.

Ash threw himself back against his pillows and closed his eyes, fists clenched at his sides. "I said. Get.The fuck.Out." 

"Ash!"

"No, it's okay Max. I will wait for you outside. Um Charlie too is here and would like to speak with you, Ash." he says to him before closing the door.

Ash sighs breaking the silence. "Of course he's here."

"Well what did you expect?" Suddenly the older man was annoyed "What is going on with you Ash?! He was never going to just give up on you. Not Eiji. Not any of us! No one was willing to believe that you had given up so we waited because we knew you were still fighting in there and then, thank God!, you finally woke up, like we knew you would but then you start avoiding our calls and refusing out visits?! We didn't know what to think Ash! I rushed over as soon as they told me you'd let me in. Everyone else immediately made plans to start dropping in today. We are all so confused and we don't understand what's going on. We feared you were going to push us away. I-we thought you trusted us-" Max was hurt and confused and looking for answers just like the rest of them. It was expected. The past few weeks they spent asking themselves 'why?'. It wasn't a suicide attempt so why did it feel like one?

"It's not that!" The youth loudly started. The expression on his face was one Max had never seen on him before and he couldn't quite place the emotion either, the muscles on his face seemed like they didn't know how to express these new feelings yet. Ash stared out the window again. Not wanting to face the man after his emotional outburst. "It's not that I don't trust you all. I do. Obviously I didn't kick Eiji out because I don't trust him. It's just that..." He trailed off not wanting to admit it.

"What Ash? What is it?" Max insisted. Taking in Ash's defeated form the frustration subsided, once again replaced solely with concern. 

Silence.

He sighed knowing he wasn't going to get anywhere by trying to force a reluctant Ash to talk "Look. I understand. You don't want to talk yet. I'm sorry for pushing y-"

"I don't trust myself" he suddenly declared, cutting the older man off again. 

"What?"

After sighing for what felt like the millionth he gave in "As soon as I woke up, Max, I knew. I knew because I felt it. I have all this understanding yet I can't say what exactly will happen but I know I can't stop it."

"I don't-"

"I'm not the same anymore Max." He continued and turned to face him, looking him right in the eye. He needed Max to understand "I'm feeling so much I can't think clearly most days and I think so much I don't sleep well, if at all, most nights. I know what's going on. I knew that everything that has ever happened to me would one day catch up with me. I knew I wasn't above it. If I'm being honest I knew I wouldn't live long enough to actually have to deal with any of it anyway. That day at the library...I knew that was the day. I felt it. I didn't really give up. It felt was more like I was accepting the inevitable. At the time, I was too busy dying to rationalize what that sort of thinking entailed. And if I'm being more honest with myself I can see my armor began to crack long before then…"

The anorexia…" Max recalled 

"Of all things...yeah. The first few days after I woke from the coma were Hell. If it wasn't for my injuries but the pain medication really I might have actually hurt someone. I can only call for what it was; a PTSD episode. Waking up in a hospital room. Subdued by drugs. I thought I was back at the psyche ward. Even right now, being alone you has me on edge."

Gasp. "Ash! How- I would never!"

"I know. I know" he reassured, "And you know I know so stop looking at me like that but it's taking up all my rationale to fight this" he held up a shaky hand.  
The veteran felt shame wash over him. He only just realized at that moment that Ash had indeed been trembling the entire length of his visit. Once again he was taken in by the iron will in those green eyes. "These feelings I've been holding back for 10 years, Max. 10 damned years...and I'm just grateful that I already have this much insight but my IQ isn't going to be of much help now is it? I can't reason or strategize my way out of it this time. And that's the thing. Right now I'm just hoping I can hold it together long enough to get through all the legal proceedings, I know I can't avoid that either if I want to finally be done with it all but I'm not stable and I don't want anyone to deal with that. I don't know what I'll become" His shoulders were now visibly trembling, tears uncharacteristically flowed freely.

Max felt this intense urge to hold the youth. He knows he can't though. Not after what Ash just told him. Instead, "We are not letting you do this alone Ash. We will all be here for you through it all. Every step of the way. We will do anything we-

"Old man! You don't get it to do you?!" He yelled angrily through tears "The only thing that kept everyone safe from the killing machine that I am, is my logic, my reason. This! Up here!' He hissed through gritted teeth, furiously tapping at his temples. "I don't trust myself. And if anything-if I ever hurt you, Eiji, any of you. Loose any more of you. I-I-l!" He gripped his chest tightly. His breathing becoming erratic.

"Ash! Ash! Breath! You need to cal-Nurse!! Nurse!!!" Max roared.

Eiji and Charlie were the first to respond to the commotion but the nurses followed immediately after. They pushed past the two men who seemed to have froze from shock.

Ash had begun to hyperventilate, the trembling quickly escalating to violent shaking. His emerald eyes were blown wide filled with nothing but sheer panic. "I don't want to- no! Loose-any. You. Kill. Any. You."

"Oh God. Ash, please! I'm sorry! Please breathe" But Ash couldn't hear or see Max anymore. 

The last thing they saw as they were ushered out into the hall was Ash being held down and a nurse injecting his IV with a sedative. He couldn't look any more petrified.

Eiji and Charlie just stared at Max until the cop finally asked.  
"Max, what the hell happened in there?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems I'm projecting really hard. I'm sorry Ash.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie and Jenkins were so under appreciated in the anime. I feel it in my heart that those two cops would have played a major part in helping Ash with any and all legal matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope i used the all the legal terms properly and honestly I'm really relying on the fact that the justice system in the 80s sucked for this to even be plausible.

"Well then?"  
Charlie sighs sliding a paper across the table. "Here. That's your copy."  
"Oh thank God." Relief painting over the worry lines as he looked over the consent form. "Okay. Well? C'mon, fill me in,Charlie."  
"Max relax." The man was overly eager and it was becoming a bit overbearing to be honest "He might have signed a release form but I can't keep being the middleman here. I'm not trying to do anything to make him push me away okay? I'm just as invested in Ash as the rest of you, if not more. He's not just a witness or victim in my caseload. You all seem to forget that I've tried to look over him since" the detective paused recalling the memory, his voice softened as he continued " since Shorter brought him home years ago. He's family to Nadia and he's family to me."  
At the time he had only been dating Nadia for a year but in that short time he quickly noticed and grew fond of how the Chinese teen always seemed to be adopting strays into the family. Ash, though completely stood out from the rest of the boys. Back in those days the blondes name was still new on Charlie's radar. He vaguely remembered hearing of an Ash Lynx being mentioned but in relation to a murder case they were tipped off about. He didn't make the arrest so that's all he knew but the petite frail looking boy that came home with Shorter that day didn't look capable of throwing a baseball much less commit a multiple homicide. To say the least Nadia was immediately taken by him.  
There hasn't been a day since that Charlie hadn't regretted not having done more to prevent or intervene, his badge be damned!

The veteran empathized with the man across from him. His pained expression clouded by guilt mirrored his own conscious. He slouched in his chair "I'm sorry. You're right. You're right. I'm just worried is all. I'm grateful you've been keeping us updated with us still not allowed in and all. We uh heard that they're still looking for victims to come forward and testify. I know you said he's doing better but that's now. Just a few months ago he was bed ridden yet set on getting himself into a courtroom! I doubt he's given that up but are you really going to let him?

"I can't stop him but I'm doing everything in my power to try anyways. It's been tough" the ginger haired man frustratedly dropped his head in his hands, elbows propped on the table "I'm just a cop, Lobo but Jenkins and I managed to pull some serious strings and called in a lot of favors to keep knowledge of Ash being alive to only necessary parties. We're lucky Sing was able to get word to me immediately. If we hadn't transferred Ash to a private facility we would have lost him. All the government has been trying to do since Club Cod was exposed is cover their asses and Ash is a key witness. You're not the only ones concerned" he seemed to have suddenly aged a decade as he looked back up at Max bleary eyed "The only reason we've even been able to actually prosecute anyone involved with Club Cod without bringing any victims into it is because that Mr.Varishikav attested to Golzine conspiring with government officials and admitted to being paid off to assassinate Kippard and Holstock. That man stopped Ash."

"Ah Blanca, yeah we saw it on the news. Nadia told us Ash took it pretty hard. I'll admit if it wasn't for that Russian switching sides in the end we might be singing a different tune. Poor bastards taking most of the heat right now. I want to say I'm grateful but he owes Ash too, the most out of us all. Was unexpected though. He did stuck by Yut-Lung after the incident so I guess the brute is a big softie afterall. But what about Ash? My concern is if Ash comes out well you know. His record isn't clean. The gang hits from a year ago, wouldn't they try to prosecute him?"

"Actually I'm proud to tell you that Jenkins and I managed to get a lot of it handled outside of the courts."

"Wait how?"

"I'm not lying to you Max when I tell you that we've been calling in favors from as far back as our rookie years on the force. That and with yours and Jessica's connections we managed to put together a great legal team. Its obvious Ash is the victim here. It didn't take much investigating to find crooked cops and judges working for Golzine. Remember how Ash was remanded a few years ago?"

"Tch. How will I ever forget? I think I paid off any favors I ever owed you, in this and any other lifetime, that day." Max chuckled recalling that fateful day. He really couldn't imagine his life turning out any different. That was a fateful day indeed.

Charlie smirked "Well I'm glad you did. We were right on the money. The judge that remanded Ash was indeed bought off by Golzine. I'm glad to say he has graciously stepped down after some friendly encouragement but that filthy bastard Evanstine has yet to turn up. Honestly just that itself was enough to build a solid case but the team really sent it home, didn't want to leave and loose ends. They brought up the fact that if they decided to prosecute Ash they'd have to explain why the government conspired to fake his death. We couldn't promise that we'd stay quiet while they tried either" He crossed his arms behind his head leaning back in his chair. "They are negotiating a settlement out-of-court as we speak."  
Max let out a low whistle. "Damn Charlie. I didn't know you to be this badass even back in 'Nam!"  
The cop allowed himself to relish just for a second before looking sullen again "The boy has a clean record now, Max. And now he'll have the money to support himself. I should have done it sooner." 

"Hey look at me" the older demanded snapping his fingers in front of his comrades face. "You did it now. He's free now. I know you feel guilty about him and Shorter too but you are taking action now, I won't say it'll ever make up for anything because I haven't convinced myself of that yet either but we're trying. I know for a damned fact that Nadia is proud of you. Does he know the good news yet?"

"Aaah well no. Not yet. Because there is this one thing though and well...it's the main reason I called to meet with you."

The journalist set his arm down on the table and leaned in eyeing the other carefully. "What?" He asked cautiously.

"He needs a guardian"

"Huh? What? He's of legal age. Why would he-

"Well despite everything everyone agreed that they didn't feel safe just letting Ash roam free, just yet, that is. They want him on house arrest but since his mental state is delicate to say the least I mentioned that I don't think it's safe or healthy for him to stay alone. So he's basically going to have to agree to a conservatorship until he is well enough to appeal it. No state appointed conservator would take up someone as high risk as Ash so I thought of asking the only person I knew Ash would trust."

"Me?" Lobo pointed at himself a little surprised.

"Well you also the best option being ex military you have a certain set of skills that could, may come in handy in any case if it were you know... ever necessary…"

Max just stared at the cop dumbfounded. Well shit. It's not like he could refuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to mention the Jogger case of 89 but it didn't match with the BF time line. I couldn't find any way to push it a couple years either :(


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nadia bless her heart. The big sister everyone deserves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this written for quite some time now but well life and banana fish is hard. I also felt that I should have put this before the last 2 chapters but unfortunately it didn't come to me until afterwards when I realized that I really wanted to put Nadia in. She deserves the world. The anime basically erased her character. Banana Fish Vol.7 ch.1 Pg.6-11 really show how affected she is by her loss.

The majority of coma patients wake up disoriented, finding yourself in an unfamiliar environment can be very frightening, it can take a while for it all to really register. For patients whose memory has been affected it's not uncommon for them to react defensively. Aggressive behavior isn't unusual at all but it's fair to assume that the majority of patients have never had attempts on their lives made while hospitalized.  
Ash instinctively recognized the hospital setting as a threat. The staff could only watch in shock as he violently yanked out all the medical equipment he was attached to. Wounded and all he managed to push his way past them and into the hall. Never had they seen a coma patient immediately regain mobility of their entire body. They weren't even sure if it was medically possible. But Ash was in survival mode, equipped with honed instincts and running on pure adrenaline.  
He wasn't entirely present though, the panicked look in his eyes was far away. He was escaping from somewhere else and an Ash without rational thought was the most dangerous one.   
Fortunately, his injuries and weakened body slowed him down considerably. A couple nurses managed to get a steady grip on him just long enough to safely administer a sedative.  
He didn’t harm anyone but it was thanks to sheer dumb luck that he didn’t rip his wounds wide open.

Just as instructed, the director himself called Charlie down to the hospital and briefed him on Ash's current condition. He also relayed to him the incident that had occurred upon his awakening.  
Jenkins had informed the hospital director that the young man they were transferring over was being admitted under an alias. That he was a witness under legal protection and that detective Charlie be contacted immediately if there were any changes to the patient's state but nothing more, everything regarding his true identity was strictly confidential. It was a big help that Jenkins was a long time friend and that the director owed him a couple favors. And since Ash's treatment would still be paid for he felt inclined to agree, conditions and all.   
But given the current circumstances the director had to insist that Charlie give them at least some mental health history on the patient, for the safety of his staff and for Ash’ sake as well.  
In the end, they agreed a MRA was best. They wanted to confirm that Ash's behavior wasn't due to any brain damage but he refused to disclose any personal information that could identify Ash. Charlie asked if he could wait to discuss the matter with the patient himself and though the director had agreed, he made sure to warn him that they had to take precautionary measures. They weren't sure what state he'd wake up in.  
Charlie didn't leave the hospital that night or the night after. They had strapped Ash down to the bed while he slept. Initially, a fact Charlie was completely appalled by but it wasn't long before he realized it was necessary. As soon as Ash became even the slightest self aware he would go into a frenzy. The only way to calm him down was by sedating him.  
To those unaware it would have seemed as if the youth had suffered some sort of brain injury. Which the brain scan had later proved was not the case. Charlie truly didn't know whether to be relieved or not because the reality of the situation was that Ash had reached his limit. The young man wasn't trapped in some hellish fantasy his brain conjured up, no, he was reliving his worst most traumatic experiences.

He was processing

That's how the psychologist they had consulted crudely put it. For over a week they waited. Charlie and Nadia would take shifts watching over the blonde. They knew Ash would pull through, he wasn't going to break now, not after everything he survived. It didn't make it any easier to watch though. Every few hours, after the medicine would wear off they'd try to talk to him but he wouldn't show any signs of recognition. He'd just stare ahead with a blank expression, almost lifeless, until he eventually fell asleep. It wouldn't take long for the youth to wake up screaming and crying.  
Charlie had tried to convince Nadia to stop coming. “ I can ask Max to help me” but she had insisted.  
“No, Charlie. I need to know, no matter the outcome. I need to be there. I can't go through what I went through with Shorter again. I wasn't there. I didn't know anything. I couldn't help. I need to be there for him. I won’t lose him too.”

He had been doing better as of late. The attacks were less frequent the last few days. He mostly slept or stared. The doctors had begun discussing treatment plans with Charlie.  
Now that he was calmer Nadia was able to spend more time in his room. She had taken to reminiscing aloud during her visits. She'd sit next to Ash and talk about when they were all younger. Sometimes she'd cry about Shorter too.  
Nadia had been in the middle of a story, the first time that Shorter had brought Ash to help out at Chang Dai. She remembered how full the restaurant was that day. She laughed because many just wanted to see the supposed white boy working in their hood but the girls stayed once they saw how cute he was. “ i'm not going to lie and oh boy i know you'll hate to hear this” she teased laughing “at first i thought that big oaf brought home a pretty white g-  
“N-Nadia?”  
It had lasted days but on that tenth morning Ash called out to her. He looked so tired and his voice was hoarse but she recognized the man she saw in those eyes. He was there.

Once again he managed to climb his way out of hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have another chapter mostly written out but its Blanca...I'm still moving the words around for that one. I know what I want out of it but well actually writing it out is a whole other thing. Also I think i'll be mostly done with the side characters after that one so the hard part is coming. i'm sort of scared to be honest. Its really emotionally draining aha. But enough of my ranting.


End file.
